Thursday, October 08, 2009

Why the Anglicans can never be Extremists

As explained by Eddie Izzard (Relevance starts from 4.45 into the video)

So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone,( beating drum ) "Row, you bastards!” You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,

"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon."

"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."

"Oh, all right..."

"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."

"Heard it! I want an original sin."

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"

The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,

"Vicar, I have done many bad things."

"Well, so have I."

"What shall I do?"

"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."

Because the Anglican faith had a lack of principles for a long time. You can't get really headstrong about it. You can't say, you know, like the Islamic jihads that we hear bout. We get scared about those Islamic jihads. I think we do assume that everyone who is into the Islamic religion is having a jihad every other bloody day. There's a lot of very relaxed Islamic people, and we got to understand - remember, this is very important - and we do assume that jihads are just like, you know,everyday three jihads are issued by every individual. It just seems they're everywhere . "The fruit shop shortchanged me! A fucking jihad on them!" Bump into someone, say,

"Hey! A fucking jihad on you!"

"How many jihads have you got going now, Dad?"

"Well, 24. God, it's difficult to keep up with them!"

I just don't think that's happening. But you can't do that in Church of England, you can't say, "You must have tea and cake with the Vicar, or you die!" You can't have extreme points of view, you know. The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with Church of England.

"Talk! Will you talk!"

"But it hurts!"

"Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine..."

‘Cause that's what it would be. "Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death? Tea and cake or death!" Students with beards, ( mimes demonstrating with picket signs ) "Tea and cake or death! Tea and cake or death! Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!" ‘Cause, "Cake or death?" That's a pretty easy question. Anyone could answer that.

"Cake or death?"

"Eh, cake please."

"Very well! Give him cake!"

"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."

"You! Cake or death?"

“Uh, cake for me, too, please."

"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"

"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."

"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"

"Well, I meant cake!"

"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"

"Uh, cake please."

"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"

"Well, so my choice is 'or death’? I’ll have the chicken then, please.

“Taste of human, sir. Would you like a white wine? There you go, thank you very much.”

“ Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?"

“I asked for the vegetarian."

"Ah, yes, the vegetarian, yes! There we go, Mr. Hitler. There we go... Like a bit of wine? Thank you very Nazi shithead!"

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